I’m struggling. In a time where being a Christian isn’t exactly “cool”…especially as a millennial…I’m struggling with Christianity. I’m struggling with Jesus. I’m struggling with prayer…and with God, in general. And, the truth is, I have been for a while.
Prayer for a while was cussing at God and asking him why things were the way that they were…and then it became more of a, “Hey. Are you even there? Are you hearing me?” And it’s slowly become a mixture of, “HEY! DUDE. If you’re real, CHANGE THIS. If you’re REALLY REAL, FIX THIS… IF YOU’RE REALLY, REAL…WHY IS ALL OF THIS HAPPENING AND WHY AREN’T YOU TAKING CARE OF IT?!”– or silence.
I know, I know. “Free will.” I know, I know… “God made humans imperfect.” I know. I know. I. KNOW.
But Jesus Christ…it is all REALLY HEAVY…and if I feel like I can’t turn to Him with it, where do I take it? And why is it not letting up? It’s not even stuff that affects me personally (yet)…but, if my God is real and powerful and all things good…and, if my God is the same God that created all the heavens and the earth…why do I feel His absence? Why does it feel like He’s hiding out?
I’m still going to church. And I feel a loving presence while I’m there…but, when I leave, and I realize things are still REALLY HEAVY…WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?
I’m struggling with other Christians. I’m struggling with what is viewed as moral…and ethical. I’m struggling with the idea that there are some Christians that are in such opposition to what is CLEARLY DECENT BEHAVIOR…and, for whatever reason, THEY maintain a constant contact with this loving presence of God. And, if THAT’S the verbiage and action and attitude that grants a relationship with God, I don’t want any part of that. I’m struggling with the idea of, “Well it would be less painful to just NOT BELIEVE than to BELIEVE and feel so HURT and ANGRY with God.”
I’m struggling with what to teach my children. In a world where I’ve always seen so much gray…things are becoming very clearly black or white…
So. What do I do with it?
I guess I write it out. Ride it out. Keep trying to pray even if it’s just a whisper…even if it’s cussing and fighting and challenging God to “fix it” or “change this”……
In recovery, they say, “Fake it til ya make it.” And I think I’ll continue to apply that phrase to this situation. I’ll just keep trying to believe until I feel it again. Eventually the load will lighten. I might not have faith…but at least I have hope. And that’s a start.
**Note: I don’t want your feedback. I REPEAT. I DON’T WANT YOUR FEEDBACK. I don’t want your advice. I don’t want your, “yeah, christians really suck.” I don’t want your, “We’re called to be like Jesus, not other Christians.” I don’t want any of that. I wrote this to get it out. If it’s on the outside, at least it’s not inside continuing to fester. If it’s on the outside, surely there’s someone who will read this and feel peace because he/she isn’t alone with his/her own struggles with God right now. We’re all in this together, friends. I want you to know my struggles, because pain shared is pain lessened. But I don’t want your feedback. Got it? Good.