Mission Motherhood

May our branches be pruned…

Fellow bird moms, I’m sad to say I can’t remember the last time a wrote a blog… but today I’m going to be a bit vulnerable in my explanation.

I have undoubtedly been in a funk the last few months.  I’m sure you moms can relate.  The inadequacies that run through my mind on a daily basis are hampering me and my creativity.  The twins are nearing age two, which means their demands are lessening but at the same time their energy and desires for engagement are increasing.  Finances are becoming tighter (as we really only budgeted for me to be a stay at home mom for 1 year) and with every budgeting hiccup my inadequacies blare in my face again.

I struggle daily with the guilt of not being a working mom and not contributing to my family financially.  I toss around the idea of going back to work full time, and then my heart breaks all over again at the idea of not being present for our kids.  They are truly thriving and I hate the idea of missing out on all of the things they are learning on a daily basis.

This week I started training for a part-time, temporary position from now until April that allows me to work from home 20-30 hours per week.  The position is in Higher Education Admissions which is what I’m passionate about.  I think it will be a really great opportunity financially and I’m excited to be getting back into Admissions.  BUT… the doubts and insecurities are still there.  And why is it that the people you love most are the ones that unintentionally express their disbelief in your situation? “I don’t know how you’re going to do it.” “How are you going to get anything around the house done?”

HOW DOES ANYONE ELSE WORK AND GET HOUSEWORK DONE?! NEWS FLASH, Dads can do housework too.  Yes, I have taken on all of the home duties since I’ve been a stay at home mom.  But, I know my husband sacrifices a lot to provide this life for us so it is important to me.  My love language is undoubtedly “Acts of Service” so taking on all the housework is what I do to show him that I’m grateful.  But if I’m working 20-30 hours a week when the kids are asleep, I need help.  My problem is, I don’t like help or asking for help.  I need to learn how to accept help, ask for help, and let it go when my helper doesn’t do it the way I would normally do it.

I’ve been participating in a women’s Bible study the last 5 weeks and I’m really trying to use my spiritual journey to help rid myself of the doubts and insecurities. I’m happily dwelling in God’s words to help encourage me and hope they can do the same for you. John 4:32-38 has been a big part of me the last couple weeks. Our Pastor did a sermon on this passage a couple weeks ago and reminded us that there is power in the monotonous things we do in life.  Everyday, we get up and live the same cycle and sometimes that can feel monotonous. But just as a gardener must do daily (monotonous) tasks to effectively tend their garden and yield fruit we must also complete our own daily tasks to ensure that our lives are able to produce much fruit.  A gardener does not see immediate results in their daily tasks – it takes time to be fruitful.  However, with Jesus at the center of our monotonous daily tasks we are fertilizing our garden in a powerful way.

I hope and pray that our doubts and insecurity are the branches that are serving us no purpose and will soon be pruned so we can begin bearing more fruit.


8 Years.

I’m having a hard time getting my thoughts to slow down enough to put them into words.

It’s been 8 years.  8 years since I’ve had a drink…8 years since I’ve taken a drug to get high.

I remember…the first time I went to detox, I was 19.  I had overdosed on Xanax and alcohol was and 100% sure that I didn’t have a problem.  100% sure.  Like.  “I can’t even legally buy booze yet…how can you tell me I’m an alcoholic?” And. “I’m in college.  This is what you’re supposed to do in college…”

The second time, I was 21.  This time was my choice.  I knew I had a problem.  I didn’t know what the problem was…but I knew something was wrong.  I would wake up and within the first hour or so I would get shakes and experience black outs…until I’d finally cave and have a drink.  At 21 I’d developed a physical dependence to alcohol…and I was terrified.

So I went to treatment.

I got clean.  I got sober.  Call it what you’d like– to me, it makes no difference.

I stopped talking to all of my friends.  And I miss them all still.  If I used to spend time with you…and you’re reading this…know that I love you and I miss you still.  But I was terrified.  They told me in treatment that if I started drinking again that I would die…they told me I had to change my playmates and playgrounds…so I did.  There’s a part of me that regrets it.  There’s a part of me that regrets how one day I just up and left everyone that had been by my side for years before… But I didn’t know how else to handle the situation.  I honestly believe I did the best I could at the time…even if it meant hurting people along the way.  But believe me…it was so hard.  And I am so sorry.

I completed treatment.

I stayed clean.

I got pregnant.

I stayed clean.

He didn’t.

And I will tell you that even while pregnant as an addict in recovery it is hard to find drugs and not use them.  It’s hard to find a substance that must be so marvelous to keep calling someone back to using…and to say no to that substance…and to dispose of that substance…and to feel feelings when I’d been masking feelings for so long…  But I stayed clean.  Until I had her.  And then I relapsed.

And my relapse wasn’t long.  But it was brutal.  Not because I fell back into a physical dependency…but because I was proven wrong.  I had been positive that the love I felt for my newborn would be enough to make me drink responsibly.  –It wasn’t.

If you know an addict or an alcoholic and you think they don’t love you enough and that’s why they’re using…that’s not true.  It’s not.  I promise.  It is a compulsion that I can’t explain with words…and if you don’t have it, you won’t get it.

I felt so hollow.

The day I took my last drink was July 18, 2010.  I’d been up all night drinking…I’d stolen pain pills from my mom’s bathroom…my mom was caring for my 6 week old…she’d cut me off and hidden my booze sometime in the middle of the night…but I found it, of course…  My grandparents pulled up to the house and saw me drunk on the front porch…when I was sure it was 5am and it was closer to 11am… And I was embarrassed.  And ashamed.  And broken.  And so, so, so hollow.

So all day on the July 18, 2010…I cried.  My mom held me and I cried.  My grandma held me and I cried.  I cried and held my baby.  I cried and went to a meeting.  And I cried.  And I cried.

On July 19, 2010 I celebrated my first day clean.  My first day in a string of 2,922 and counting.

Let me tell you something about being young and in recovery:  It’s hard.

Let me tell you something about this past year in recovery: It was hard.  Did I want to drink?  Absolutely.  And did I want to get high?  More times than I can count.  Did I want to revert back to destructive behaviors like disordered eating and/or smoking and/or stealing?  Heck yes…oh my God, yes.  So badly.

But I haven’t.  I haven’t taken the bait.  I haven’t fallen into any of the traps.

Instead I’ve cried.  And I’ve written.  And I’ve read.  And I’ve cussed.  And I’ve prayed.  And I’ve been open and vulnerable and I’ve allowed myself to learn to process grief and anger and resentment and joy and disappointment and exhaustion to degrees that I’d before been unfamiliar with.

I’ve grown.
This year I’ve grown.

Can you imagine how I would’ve sold myself short if I would’ve given up?
This beautifully chaotic life…  Everyday I give my children a mother with clear eyes.  And every night I go to bed with my husband and we talk.  We communicate about our kids…their behaviors and which areas we need to help them to thrive…we communicate about our finances…we communicate about things that are difficult and our current struggles and how we can better serve each other.

What a beautiful life I have today.  I am definitely not hollow anymore.  I am full.  And I am grateful.

If you are struggling…don’t sell yourself short.  Hang in there.  There isn’t a problem in the world that a drink or a drug will solve.  I promise.  I promise-promise.


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Fearless Faith, Uncategorized

The Struggle is Real.

I’m struggling.  In a time where being a Christian isn’t exactly “cool”…especially as a millennial…I’m struggling with Christianity.  I’m struggling with Jesus.  I’m struggling with prayer…and with God, in general.  And, the truth is, I have been for a while.

Prayer for a while was cussing at God and asking him why things were the way that they were…and then it became more of a, “Hey.  Are you even there?  Are you hearing me?”  And it’s slowly become a mixture of, “HEY!  DUDE.  If you’re real, CHANGE THIS.  If you’re REALLY REAL, FIX THIS…  IF YOU’RE REALLY, REAL…WHY IS ALL OF THIS HAPPENING AND WHY AREN’T YOU TAKING CARE OF IT?!”– or silence.

I know, I know.  “Free will.”  I know, I know… “God made humans imperfect.”  I know.  I know.  I.  KNOW.

But Jesus Christ…it is all REALLY HEAVY…and if I feel like I can’t turn to Him with it, where do I take it?  And why is it not letting up?  It’s not even stuff that affects me personally (yet)…but, if my God is real and powerful and all things good…and, if my God is the same God that created all the heavens and the earth…why do I feel His absence?  Why does it feel like He’s hiding out?

I’m still going to church.  And I feel a loving presence while I’m there…but, when I leave, and I realize things are still REALLY HEAVY…WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?

I’m struggling with other Christians.  I’m struggling with what is viewed as moral…and ethical.  I’m struggling with the idea that there are some Christians that are in such opposition to what is CLEARLY DECENT BEHAVIOR…and, for whatever reason, THEY maintain a constant contact with this loving presence of God.  And, if THAT’S the verbiage and action and attitude that grants a relationship with God, I don’t want any part of that.  I’m struggling with the idea of, “Well it would be less painful to just NOT BELIEVE than to BELIEVE and feel so HURT and ANGRY with God.”

I’m struggling with what to teach my children.  In a world where I’ve always seen so much gray…things are becoming very clearly black or white…

So.  What do I do with it?

I guess I write it out.  Ride it out.  Keep trying to pray even if it’s just a whisper…even if it’s cussing and fighting and challenging God to “fix it” or “change this”……

In recovery, they say, “Fake it til ya make it.”  And I think I’ll continue to apply that phrase to this situation.  I’ll just keep trying to believe until I feel it again.  Eventually the load will lighten.  I might not have faith…but at least I have hope.  And that’s a start.

**Note:  I don’t want your feedback.  I REPEAT.  I DON’T WANT YOUR FEEDBACK.  I don’t want your advice.  I don’t want your, “yeah, christians really suck.”  I don’t want your, “We’re called to be like Jesus, not other Christians.”  I don’t want any of that.  I wrote this to get it out.  If it’s on the outside, at least it’s not inside continuing to fester.  If it’s on the outside, surely there’s someone who will read this and feel peace because he/she isn’t alone with his/her own struggles with God right now.  We’re all in this together, friends.  I want you to know my struggles, because pain shared is pain lessened.  But I don’t want your feedback.  Got it?  Good.

Happy Homesteading

Nap Time Home Improvement: Wall paper removal gone wrong

As I’ve mentioned in previous blogs, we bought a 1970’s ranch home about 18 months ago.  I like to call my home improvement projects, “Nap time home improvement” because I generally only work on the projects during the 2 hour nap times I have to work with.  This summer I’ve been trying to devote nap times to working on things around the house.  Last summer we just couldn’t find the time as we were trying to figure out how to be parents of 6 month old twins.

Ok, I use the twins as an excuse to not get much done on the house last summer… but if I’m being honest the house will probably never be in a “finished” state because that’s just the kind of people we are.

When we first moved in I was nearly 7 months pregnant and was in a wild nesting phase which peetered out quickly after dealing with high blood pressure and bed rest.  While in the wild nesting phase I began ripping down every bit of wallpaper in our home.  However, some of the wallpaper was hung directly on unprimed, unpainted, raw drywall.  What a mess. Chunks of the drywall paper came up and created a serious eyesore…. that I lived with for a year.  For one, we had no idea how to correct the issue and two we were terrified to expose preemie babes to drywall dust.

We resorted to YouTube and I came across this gal:

My husband can watch YouTube “how-tos” all day, but I just don’t have the patience for it. I appreciated this gal’s quick tutorial and her methods proved successful for us. We bought the primer from Amazon.  The wall still hasn’t been painted but it is primed and ready for paint!

My husband was ready to rip the drywall out and replace it… but thankfully we didn’t have to!

Mission Motherhood

Stretching your Grocery Dollars at Aldi

Happy Friday, birdies!

Where has the month of June gone?

We have been so busy this month with trips out of town, home improvement projects, reading potty training “how-tos”, learning to sew, playing outside, and the list goes on…

This month our family has made a commitment to be mindful of our budget.  We’ve studied the ins and outs and have made a plan to be more cost savvy.  We had saving set aside and budgeting for me to be at home with the twins for one year… and here we are 18 months later in desperate need to rework the budget to keep me home.

With budgeting being a priority meal planning has been essential to maintaining our monthly food budget. I say meal planning loosely because what I really do is create a menu.  I’m a pretty obsessive planner in most areas of my life but when it comes to meals I like the flexibility of saying “that doesn’t sound good tonight, let’s have this instead”.  Aldi and I have become best buds… we take our relationship seriously but we only see each other every other week for about an hour.  An hour doesn’t seem like much, but we make the time count.

Image result for aldi is my friend

Last week I spent an hour at Aldi’s, bought 2 weeks worth of food and spent $185.

Here are my steps for a successful Aldi’s trip with children in tow:

  • Evaluate your pantry, fridge and freezer to get an idea of what food items will carry over into the next menu. It’s important to me to use up items that may go to waste soon.
  • Check out the weekly ads at your local grocery stores. You can often find them online.  I’ve recently discovered an application called Flipp that has been super helpful in tracking down grocery ads.
  • Peruse Pinterest for ideas.  (I have a board for dinners and breakfasts.)
  • Check out Aldi’s website for recipes as well!
  • Consider items that may freeze well if you’re planning for 2 weeks. Many produce items wont be fresh for that length of time. We utilize frozen fruits and veggies as we get into that second week, freeze meats and bread.  (Even things like milk and butter can be frozen, but I haven’t had to resort to that yet)
  • Write down a list of meals that will make the cut (I plan for 14-16 meals).
  • Write down the ingredients that go with each meal.
  • Evaluate your pantry for items you may already have (and look for items that might be good substitutes in your recipes).
  • Re-organize your list of ingredients in the order of how they are organized in the store. I promise this is the key to getting in and out of the store quickly… if you don’t know your store well enough just group like items on your list – dairy, meat, canned goods, etc.
  • Pack reusable grocery bags in the car… and don’t forget the quarter for your cart!

I honestly take about 2 hour prepping all of this. This much prep may seem exhausting, but not nearly as exhausting as roaming around a grocery store aimlessly with 18 month old twins for 2 hours and hoping for some combination of ingredients that will make a meal…. and then having to do it again every week or more.

What are some of your money saving tips when it comes to grocery shopping?

Stay tuned for a sample of our 2 week menu in an upcoming blog.

Mission Motherhood

What is “me time”? And how do you achieve it as a mom?

About a month ago my husband schedule changed from 2pm – midnight to 7:00am-5:00pm. It’s been an adjustment for everyone in our house.

With the change in schedule I continued to sleep in for as long as the kids would sleep. And then our budget started to take a hit. The husband would stop in someplace for a fast food breakfast and then eat lunch out. He was spending $20/day just eating 2 meals (which is a whole different blog in itself).

I committed to getting up with him at 5:45am to make sure he got out the door with breakfast and lunch. As a single income family we can’t afford to spend $20/day on food. He leaves for work shortly after 6am. After he leaves I go to our sunroom. It is a place where you can hear the birds chirping, the roosters crowing, the rain falling, the wind blowing, the neighbor dog barking, the school bus driving by and the owl “hooting”. It’s not a quiet place, but it certainly is a peaceful place.

I have never been a morning person, but it is unbelievable how much better I feel throughout day and how much I am able to get done.  I’m not doing much in the morning other than put breakfast and lunch together for the husband, maybe change some laundry over, but mostly I’m drinking coffee (while it’s warm), trying to focus on reading my Bible and doing a daily devotional to set my tone for the day.  (Right now I’m working on Jesus Always by Sarah Young).

Would I have this morning routine if my children weren’t sleeping through the night? Maybe not.  Would I do this if I were a working mom?  I think so.  I’m able to be more productive through the day and utilize nap times rather than just slug around.  I kid you not, since I’ve been doing this, my house has been cleaner and I’ve been able to get a handful of home improvement projects completed.  I don’t do the cleaning and projects first thing in the morning, I do it during nap times.  I think my kids have greatly benefited too because overall I have a better attitude and I feel motivated to get them out of the house and go to the park or Toddler Story Time at our local libraries.

Do you have a morning routine for yourself that includes “me” time? What gets your day started?

Mission Motherhood

You’re more than a Nurse

Happy Nurse’s Week!

Many people go to work, do their job, complete menial tasks, physically exert themselves, get in their car, go home from work and turn it off.  They walk away from what they do and go about their lives.

You nurses… you do it all.  You have to be sharp and on your toes at all times.  You have to be a detective looking for signs and putting together puzzle pieces.  Your job is physically demanding.  You pour your heart into your patients and you emotionally invest. You work 12+ hour shifts. And then you’re expected to go home after those 12 hours and be physically and emotionally available to your families.  That’s a gift… that’s a super power.

In my 19 days in the labor and delivery ward at North Kansas City Hospital I didn’t meet a bad nurse. And based on my experience there, I’ve come to the realization that you are way more than a nurse.

  • You were my advocate when I didn’t want the doctor to check me.
  • You were my calm when life felt like chaos.
  • You were compassion when I was hurting.
  • You brought me a “long-term” bed that was SO much more comfortable than a labor bed.
  • You put on my freaking compression socks…. which is darn near a cardio workout.
  • You brought me DVDs, snacks and drinks. You even made sandwiches and toast.
  • You encouraged me when I felt like I couldn’t do it.
  • You put a bed pan under me and helped me lift my big ole pregnant body on it when I was on magnesium sulfate and restricted to the bed. (And you moms know how frequently a pregnant lady pees).
  • When I was alone you were my friend. You came in and talked to me about life, about my unborn babies, the best Netflix shows to watch.
  • You brought me a mini-fridge for our Thanksgiving leftovers.
  • You shared your Thanksgiving with my family.
  • You brought me Black Friday ads, even though there was no way I’d be Black Friday shopping.
  • You helped me get out of bed, walk the halls, and walk to the bathroom.
  • When I was getting cabin fever you convinced the doctor to let me take a wheel chair ride down to the cafeteria.
  • When I so badly wanted to sit in a tub of water and feel weightless you made it happen, despite a doctor discouraging it, and despite the Mother and Baby unit that possessed such tub… because “it is only for postnatal mothers”.
  • When I wanted to go outside and sit in the courtyard after being trapped in the same room for 18 days you brought me a wheelchair and warmed blankets.
  • You cried with me.
  • You were going to coordinate a time for my dog to visit me in the hospital because I missed her like crazy.
  • You woke me up in the middle of the night because you had to… but you did it in the kindest way and left all of the lights off. (They can do their job in the dark, people.)
  • On day 19 when the doctor told me he would let me go 14 more days before he’d induce labor, I lost my cool at the idea of being there for 14 more days.  You made me a paper chain with 14 links that each of the night shift people decorated.
  • You got excited for me when I thought my water broke.
  • You held me when my epidural was placed (3 freaking times… and listened to my swear words without taking it personal).
  • You cheered me on during labor.
  • You rejoiced with me on the happiest day of my life.
  • You were my birth photographer.
  • You helped me navigate self care of a postnatal body.
  • You held my babies before they sent us up to the Mother and Baby ward.
  • You came back to Mother and Baby for a visit several times before we left the hospital.
  • You made little shirts for the twins as a gift. (You were my nurse and you gave ME a gift? You’re the one that deserves the gifts)

You do it all.  You are so much more than a nurse. You invest in people. You have a heart to serve and you do it because you have a passion for it. You get your hands dirty and deal with grumpy patients but you still come in with a smile and a snack.

You are my HERO.

Thank you for all you do.

If more people had the heart of a nurse, I think we’d live in a much peaceful world.

(My first trip out of my room and to the cafeteria with my mom)