Fellow bird moms, I’m sad to say I can’t remember the last time a wrote a blog… but today I’m going to be a bit vulnerable in my explanation.
I have undoubtedly been in a funk the last few months. I’m sure you moms can relate. The inadequacies that run through my mind on a daily basis are hampering me and my creativity. The twins are nearing age two, which means their demands are lessening but at the same time their energy and desires for engagement are increasing. Finances are becoming tighter (as we really only budgeted for me to be a stay at home mom for 1 year) and with every budgeting hiccup my inadequacies blare in my face again.
I struggle daily with the guilt of not being a working mom and not contributing to my family financially. I toss around the idea of going back to work full time, and then my heart breaks all over again at the idea of not being present for our kids. They are truly thriving and I hate the idea of missing out on all of the things they are learning on a daily basis.
This week I started training for a part-time, temporary position from now until April that allows me to work from home 20-30 hours per week. The position is in Higher Education Admissions which is what I’m passionate about. I think it will be a really great opportunity financially and I’m excited to be getting back into Admissions. BUT… the doubts and insecurities are still there. And why is it that the people you love most are the ones that unintentionally express their disbelief in your situation? “I don’t know how you’re going to do it.” “How are you going to get anything around the house done?”
HOW DOES ANYONE ELSE WORK AND GET HOUSEWORK DONE?! NEWS FLASH, Dads can do housework too. Yes, I have taken on all of the home duties since I’ve been a stay at home mom. But, I know my husband sacrifices a lot to provide this life for us so it is important to me. My love language is undoubtedly “Acts of Service” so taking on all the housework is what I do to show him that I’m grateful. But if I’m working 20-30 hours a week when the kids are asleep, I need help. My problem is, I don’t like help or asking for help. I need to learn how to accept help, ask for help, and let it go when my helper doesn’t do it the way I would normally do it.
I’ve been participating in a women’s Bible study the last 5 weeks and I’m really trying to use my spiritual journey to help rid myself of the doubts and insecurities. I’m happily dwelling in God’s words to help encourage me and hope they can do the same for you. John 4:32-38 has been a big part of me the last couple weeks. Our Pastor did a sermon on this passage a couple weeks ago and reminded us that there is power in the monotonous things we do in life. Everyday, we get up and live the same cycle and sometimes that can feel monotonous. But just as a gardener must do daily (monotonous) tasks to effectively tend their garden and yield fruit we must also complete our own daily tasks to ensure that our lives are able to produce much fruit. A gardener does not see immediate results in their daily tasks – it takes time to be fruitful. However, with Jesus at the center of our monotonous daily tasks we are fertilizing our garden in a powerful way.
I hope and pray that our doubts and insecurity are the branches that are serving us no purpose and will soon be pruned so we can begin bearing more fruit.